Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety

I am not a snob.  I am not rude.  I have social anxiety.

People with social anxiety are often dismissed by others as being "stuck up".  They often loose friends because they bail on social outings at the last minute.  It is not because we don't want to go.  We try very hard to get the courage up to go, usually up to the last minute.  When my kids were younger, I remember other mothers would say I was a bad parent because I didn't make it to every activity. It was an extremely stressful time.

 As I got older, it was just easier to limit friendships.  I also stopped accepting most invitations, because then I didn't stress out over trying not to disappoint anyone.  My social circle got smaller, and so did my world.  I had a friend tell me one time that if I stopped socializing I would disappear.  She was right, I did.  What I should have done was tell my friends why I was the way I was.  I had social anxiety.  I guess i thought it was better to be thought of as a rude, snobby person, then to admit I had a problem that I had no control over. 

I am changing that crazy way of thinking because I want to rejoin life.  The more I give in to my anxiety, the harder it becomes to get over it.

Life begins outside our comfort zone.  For someone with social anxiety, that sucks.  It is also the only way to overcome it.  Take it one breath at a time.  Start small but keep going.  The first step is to tell your friends.  This is what I am going to do.

If you don't have social anxiety, but you know someone who fits this description, ask them.  Don't push them away, help them join life. 

My New Money Venture

My New Money Venture

I have always wanted to flip houses.  Now I think I have found something that is going to get me flipping!


It is not just houses. I am going to be a flipping fool! 
First I am going to have to tell my husband of my new venture.

Am I a Christian?

Am I a Christian? 

 I guess, I have never technically looked up the word.  So I looked it up on Wikipedia.  Not a lot of help, but basically it is people who believe in Christ.  There was more to it but it was over my head.  So technically I would be a Christian.

But for some reason, I don't feel its the right word for me.  Its a good word and God probably likes it, but I don't feel it describes me and what I believe my relationship with God is.  I think I have a problem with it being a categorizing word.  It is a group of people who love and believe in the awesome Christ.  That includes me, but I have my own unique relationship with God.

I have always felt awkward with saying I am a Christian.  It is not because I am ashamed or embarrassed.  I love God and I will shout that to the world.    To me saying I am a Christian puts more of an emphasis on me and what I am claiming to be.  It does not matter what I claim to be, I am only what God says I am. 

I went to a Christian Woman's workshop and it was very good, but I could feel myself cringe every time they would refer to a speaker as a beautiful Christian woman.  I'm Not saying that they were not Christian women who loved God.  I just feel like the saying "I am a Christian" is sometimes used to impress instead of humbly proclaiming to serve God.  Maybe that is what my problem with the claim.  Claiming that your a Christian should not make you proud, it should make you humble. 

I am a humble child of a Heavenly Father that loves me with unconditional love,  a Father that has shown me love even when I am unworthy, a Father that I love with my entire soul and will forever be his.

I don't know if I will ever feel right about saying I am a Christian. 

I am His child and He is my Father.  What I am, is whatever He needs me to be.

For a update on this post Visit my Blog: Letting God Drive

Now I listen when he whispers

Now I listen when he whispers

 When I was younger I went to church and I thought I believed in God.  Maybe I just knew I was supposed to, I am not sure.  As I grew up, I kind of forgot about him.  When I went to college and had to take a philosophy class, I decided that I no longer really believed in him.  This was how the next 20 years went. I did not raise my children in church when they were young.  I decided to let them develop their own belief.

This is hard for me to write, because it is the biggest regret in my life.

The details of the events that changed my world are still not ready to come out.  I will have to tell that story later.

What I will say for now is that I have told my children, that I can promise there is a God and He is more amazing the words can say.  I can make this promise because I know him and I hear him.  I know that I cannot run my own life, I am not very good at it.  I let God drive instead.  It works out so much better.   I listen to his advice and do my best to follow.

When we are going down a path that is harmful and in the opposite direction of the path God wants for us, he does warn us.  First he whispers, then he talks, and finally he shouts.  I stupidly did not listen until the shout.   That was a big mistake.  I made a real mess of my life.  My advice, listen for the whisper.

I met God during a really hard time in my life.  I caused the pain I was going through and I sure would not have believed that God would have anything to do with me after I denied him for so long.  He was there waiting.  Waiting for me to listen.  I went through hell, my family went through hell, before I heard God and let him help me.  I don't think I would change it though.  I don't think I would have the relationship that I have with God now if I hadn't went through all that I did.  I guess I'm just stubborn that way.  I regret putting my family through hell, but I know that He was there for them as well.  I know that I had to go through it.  He had to show me a little Hell to show me Heaven.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not where He wants me to be.  I still screw up.  Now I know that he is there waiting for me and He will help me find my way and fix my screw ups.  I will never be perfect but He does not expect me to be.   I am his child, he loves me unconditionally.  I do know that I never again want him to shout, even though the shout was necessary and out of love for me.

My son ask, how do you hear God?

Have you ever struggled with a problem that you could not figure out and then all of a sudden the answer just pops in your head?  Its like that.  When I struggle with a problem, I ask God.  Then I wait quietly.

My point is, It doesn't matter what you have done, where you are in life, or even if you don't believe in him, he is with you, waiting.  You can ask for help and he will help.  You may not believe in him but he believes in you.  When I asked for help, I did so because I didn't know where else to turn.  I still did not believe but I thought what the hell, I was desperate.  He was just waiting and I finally met God.  My life was changed.  I can't ever feel hopeless again.  I don't have to be afraid.

Do yourself a favor, even if you thinks its crazy, ask God to show you what he can do in your life.  Think of it as a challenge.  What can it hurt?  I promise you will be amazed and your life will be changed forever.

I recommend this book

Venus Factor

Getting into my bikini

The plan was that my 40's would be my time to shine!  Kids would be grown and venturing out on there own.  I was also going to be thin and healthy.  I would have the bikini body to show off on the many beach vacations my husband and I  would be taking.  I had it planned.  It was gonna be awesome.

I am now 44.  I won't be going to any beach.  The thin, healthy things is a little harder then I thought it would be to obtain. Apparently I like food, especially chocolate and pasta.  I also don't really like to diet very well and exercise is better in theory.  

I discovered also that just because your children are old enough to move out, does not necessarily mean they will.  I cried when my kids left.  I did not know i would also cry because they didn't.  I love my children.  I can also love them from across town while they are in their own house, paid for with their own money that they obtained from a job.

To add more excitement, I had a hysterectomy this year.  I won't go in to details but sexy and fabulous is not a feeling you come away with.

So, I am starting a new plan. The Venus Factor

50 will be my time to shine!

I  will get back into a bikini this summer!                       

The Good, The Bad, and The Really Bad

The Good, The Bad, and The Really Bad

 Life is messy.

 Messy can be interesting.  It can also be hard, embarrassing, glorious, fun, scarey and everything in  between.   We were each given a life period.  This life came without promises of wealth, fun, excitement, joy, etc.  We create our path.  We are solely responsible for this life.

It is easier to find someone else to blame when our life goes off track.  Divorce, money problems, addiction, and any other mess that affects your life, was created by choices you made.  Not your parents, boss, spouse, or society.   Your situation comes from choices, right or wrong, good or bad, that were made by you.  So why do so many people feel entitled to put the blame on everyone except where it really belongs.

I have made many mistakes in my life.  I own them.  I may not want to and it really can suck to have to admit that you are not perfect, but I do.   I cant blame my childhood, my spouse, or my boss.  My choices caused whatever mess i was dealing with at the time.  

Life is made up of choices and your not always going to make the right one.  Being an adult means realizing that you chose wrong, owning it, and choosing  another path, hopefully a better one..  See it, Own it, Change it.  If you sit in your mess with your hand held out for someone else to fix it, you will wait your life away.  Letting others fix your life, might get you by for a while.  It won't change your life.  Its only a patch.  You can't move forward until you fix the tire.

Forget about the past, its gone.  Decide you are going to be happy everyday.  Enjoy the ride.